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“The Fairly Reasonable Bucket List of a Person with Little Reason,” by Tricia Psarreas Murray

Bucket sketch

  1. Buy a bucket
    • Fill my bucket with tasks I must complete before I figuratively kick the bucket
      • Try not to literally kick the bucket
  2. Find a real everlasting gobstopper
  3. Put a tracking device on Waldo
  4. Convince insurance companies to offer 365 free apples with all health plans
    • Void copays if an apple a day does not, in fact, keep the doctor away
  5. Spend a week speaking with nothing but clichés
  6. Teach an old dog new tricks
  7. Find the Fountain of Youth
    • Fill it with green food coloring
      • Convince the natives that it’s contaminated
  8. Reclaim all the socks my dryer has eaten
  9. Enforce the mandatory use of name tags at events where I’m likely to forget people’s names
  10. Open a restaurant with a separate seating area for vegetarians
  11. Hire a male maid to polish my bucket
    • Refer to my maid as my man servant
      • Have my man servant accept his title with pride
  12. Listen to WHAM! for 24 hours straight and see what happens
  13. Prove that when used correctly, procrastination is a superpower
  14. Bite a shark
  15. Invent a time machine and place it in a busy elevator
  16. Learn to play the maracas
    • Train my neighbors to instinctively form a Conga line whenever I practice
  17. Make people who do not follow politics choose their political parties through a game of craps
  18. Rename bunt cakes huge donuts
  19. Write an internationally bestselling novel
    • Learn more languages so I can recognize my own book
  20. Change the final round of American Idol to a game of rock, paper, scissors
  21. Cheer up conspiracy theorists by placing garden gnomes on their porches while they sleep
  22. Play Ouija without cheating
  23. Receive an honorary Ph.D. from Harvard on the merit of being wicked awesome
  24. Travel to Ireland
    • Meet a short Irish man
      • Call him my leprechaun
        • Take his pot of gold
  25. Hide said pot of gold in my polished bucket

About the Author:

Tricia Psarreas Murray is a ghostwriter who has decided to burn her invisibility cloak after writing 23 books, hundreds of articles, and thousands of reviews for a myriad of visible clients. She specializes in fantasy, humor, and ridiculousness, three things you can always find at www.facebook.com/trish.p.murray

Image Credit: © kamenuka / Dollar Photo Club

“I’m Not in Love with You, But,” by Laryssa Wirstiuk

Heart Sketch

1. The text messages you sent were always so vividly sexy that I damaged two cell phones.

2. You offered $60 to cover the expense. I wouldn’t accept it.

3. Your hair smells like lilac only when it rains.

4. Your hair always smells like kiwi, regardless of the weather.

5. When I find your hair on my pillow, I imagine it’s a spiderweb. I pretend not to notice.

6. I won’t admit to anyone, not even myself, that I will allow arachnids and your dead cells in my bed.

7. What I’m telling you is true.

8. I can’t hug you without pressing my fingers into your back, like I’m trying to access you with my secret code.

9. I spend nine months of the year waiting for summer because you smile most genuinely then.

10. You’ve been so sad lately.

11. Not even one of the others made it past the first date.

12. I thought about you at least four times during each date, always when the girl tugged on her necklace.

13. You taught me the reason girls tug on necklaces.

14. I was insanely jealous when you confessed that my favorite professor bought you a beer.

15. After you called me “a piece of shit,” I missed you more.

16. I adore you.

17. I can’t hear the song “Counting Blue Cars” without thinking of the time we climbed the shell of the outdoor amphitheater.

18. Imagining my life without you is like remembering February 2005 and every year before it.

19. Time was longer then.

20. You are most beautiful playing solitaire on your back porch, drinking from a can of soda with a straw.

21. Only once have I seen you play solitaire.

22. Your favorite soda is Mountain Dew. You won’t share it with men because you heard it lowers sperm count.

23. I’ve imagined you truly happy.

24. You never realized I was standing in the doorway with my hand against my brow to shade my eyes.

25. The light falling around you, like the long dress you wore to my brother’s wedding, was so bright.

About the Author:

Laryssa Wirstiuk lives in Jersey City, NJ with her miniature dachshund Charlotte Moo. She teaches writing and digital media at Rutgers University-New Brunswick. She earned her MFA in Creative Writing from the University of Maryland, College Park, and her collection of short stories The Prescribed Burn received an Honorable Mention in the 21st Annual Writer’s Digest Self-Published Book Awards.

Image Credit: © Kudryashka / Dollar Photo Club