“An Office Memo,” by Rose Burke
Your Dream Accessory Line
To: All Staff
From: The Boss
RE: Employer Appreciation Month
D.U.M. Accessories invites you to participate in Employer Appreciation Month, a mandatory program carefully designed by the generous founder and innate leader of our company. Adapted from a program trending on the West Coast, it is intended to unite employees by simply encouraging them to demonstrate their thanks for being fortunate enough to find themselves employed during such appalling economic times. By performing the acts of gratitude suggested below, D.U.M. employees will be greatly rewarded with the satisfaction of knowing they’re contributing to the incline of company morale, which inevitably will lead to increase in customer satisfaction, increase in sales, and the possibility of one day introducing an annual salary increase of 0.21%. Additionally, an Employee of the Month certificate and a 15% discount coupon to Office Max will be gifted to the single employee who demonstrates the most heart and commitment to the program throughout the month.
Acts of gratitude include:
Making New Friends
- Keep snacks and candy at your desk and encourage others to help themselves.
- Wake up early and make a coffee and bagel run for your department.
- Engage in digital small talk amongst coworkers before or after office hours. This includes texting, FaceTime, E-mail, Facebook pokes, Instagram likes, Snapchat stories, sending Candy Crush invites, and sharing tweets. Be sure to include our HR and Accounting teams working hard for us over in India.
- Skip your lunch break and eat at your desk with your cubical neighbors to improve company unity while keeping a constant work flow.
- Learn and take on the responsibilities of a coworker from the Customer Service department on Saturday and Sunday afternoons. Signup sheets will be hung in the break room, please select 4-5 weekends per month. We will be running this part of the program until further notice.
Cleaning Up After Yourself
- Empty your cubicle’s trash can into the company dumpsters on your way out one night a week. Driving directions to the dumpsters are hanging in the break room. Bonus: Take your supervisors trash with you!
- Vacuum the carpeted area in and around your cubicle before or after office hours. A vacuum can be found in the company supply closet in the basement. The electrical circuit in the basement is currently out of service. We recommend a flashlight and the buddy system.
- Scrub the toilet after each use. Cleaning supplies can be found next to the vacuum.
- Turn off your space heater and keep a blanket at your desk instead. Stand up at twenty minute intervals and do a dozen jumping jacks to ensure blood flow.
- Set up call forwarding to your cellular phone and permanently unplug your desk phone. We will be collecting these to be recycled at the end of the week.
- Save all documents that need to be printed for the end of the day. Then go home, and print them there.
Appreciating The Boss
- Practice and memorize the boss’ signature to enable him to work from home as often as possible.
- Laugh loudly at and compliment all jokes the boss tells. If jokes are told via email or Skype, use the appropriate laughing emoji.
- Engage in a conversation with the boss via text message, possibly with a tasteful selfie, to ensure he has the correct contact information for the occasional Sunday morning conference call. Bonus: Encourage him to return the favor with his own selfie!
- When you see the boss around the office, take a quick photo of him in his new suit for your Instagram page. Suggested hashtags: #yummybossman #devilishlyhandsome #bringingsexyback
Have a suggested act of gratitude? Email it to email@example.com.
About the Author:
Rose Burke is a freelance writer and author of sexy thriller THE ESCORT DIARIES: Survival of the Lingerie Girls. Currently she is a Creative Writing and Literature MFA student at Stony Brook University, collage artist, horror fanatic, and self-proclaimed Queen of Sarcasm. Visit her website at www.roseburke.com.
Image Credit: ©/ Dollar Photo Club